6 Underground, 7 Handbreadths Above
I know I should be doing my work right now, instead of writing. <---note that I am forming my shoulds and should-nots to fit into what I have always been taught was right and wrong. Work first, play second type of thing. But what I am told is my work is not who I am. Writing is who I am. I will do what I want. And you can suffer the consequences.
I'm tired. Exhausted really. Mentally, anyway. I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. For some reason, though, I'm not physically tired. I'm just tired of all the things I think.
I was happy then,
when I thought I knew. I was so close. How has it come to this so quickly? I may be even closer yet, but if it's truth I'm after why am I not happy anymore? I could be in pursuit of something very dangerous. The unknowing of it all is too heavy. Let's say for instance you've spent your entire life underground, and some people are content with that life because it's what they know. They are taught how to see in the dark, how to build with dirt, and they are satisfied. But for some of us the light is too bright to be kept out no matter how deep underground you dwell. So say you know there is more beyond the dirt, and you spend your whole life digging overheard, expecting to someday--finally--breech the top. Now let's say that you finally do that. Your hand reaches up in one tired, weak motion and all the earth falls down around you and you realize that there is light and air and grass....the first thing you do is breathe. And you feel relieved.
Well I feel as if I've dug myself clear, and instead of feeling relieved I feel alone in my new world, and scared; but I know I can't go back underground. I just couldn't, because I know it's not real. But this new world up here isn't any better. Should I have dug more to the right? the left? Should I have dug down deeper instead?
And who wants to think about Shakespeare at a time like this? Who wants to bother themselves with Captain John Smith and literary adaptation? My mind is saying "NO! I need to figure things out first..." But there is no time for meaningful thought. Just do your work.
